Nightmayer’s Really Do Come True


Stunning views on one of my favourite crags
Stunning views on one of my favourite crags – Marc Langley


I’d thought about this route on and off for 3 years. Yes, it had become a bit of a nightmare, as I would mentally prepare for the idea of a lead attempt it would inevitably start to piss it down and I would just accept that it would have to wait another year. Maybe it was my easy exit out; to just blame it on the weather. It meant I didn’t have to really commit.

I’d climbed a fair chunk of the routes on the Cromlech ticking off the classics in the book case area. But, then it came to the more serious and famous routes, one’s that I had been saving for the onsight. The Cromlech always had a slightly intimidating aura and though I knew I was capable of climbing these routes there was something that made them feel more special and scary. Most of the time I will just get on a route but for Right Wall (E5 6a) and Lord of the Flies (E6 6a) I waited until the moment felt right.

Left Wall E2 5c
Left Wall E2 5c – Marc Langley
Right Wall E5 6a
Right Wall E5 6a – Marc Langley


Lord of the Flies E6 6a
Lord of the Flies E6 6a – John Bunney


I always knew that Nightmayer first climbed by Steve Mayer (E8 6c) in 1992 was on this majestic wall but I’d never entertained the idea of being good enough to climb it until the last few years. Somehow it had this unspoken aura surrounding it with only one repeat ascent by Tim Emmett. I saw the video footage of Nico Favresse trying to flash the route and taking the mega lob which only added to its reputation. I wondered why this route had seen so few ascents when Indian Face which was surely more dangerous had seen more than double the amount of ascents.

Dark Horse Alex Mason showing everyone the way on Nightmare
Dark Horse Alex Mason showing everyone the way on Nightmayer – Will Hardy


Alex Mason near the top of Nightmayer
Alex Mason near the top of Nightmayer on the crux – Will Hardy


The intimidation of this route finally broke for me when strong dark horse Alex Mason tried this route and finally achieved the 3rdascent in the rain. I briefly tried the route with Mason and figured out a sequence on the crux. I started to realise this route was hard but possible, it sucked me in. Over the next couple of years it would dip in and out of my mind, luring me once again to the bottom of the face. It became a quiet and subtle obsession, I wanted to do it but I wanted to be ready for it both mentally and physically. I wanted to fight but be ready to justify the danger, overall I didn’t want to be stupid and hurt myself unnecessarily.

Angus Kille (the E is silent) enjoying himself on Lord
Angus Kille (the E is silent) enjoying himself on Lord – Will Hardy


The following year I briefly tried it with Angus again before he got the 4thascent. In Nick Bullocks account of Nightmayer I found this funny description of Angus “In all of my time I don’t think I have seen a person so worked up and psyched and frustrated and driven all in one young bundle, or at least not since looking into an 18 year old reflection in a mirror” and “This tightly skinned, pent-up bundle once again began striding and shaking his head, obviously lost in a dream of him successfully pulling the final moves and standing here where we now stood but with this dream realised.”

For anyone who has met Angus I felt these descriptions were pretty apt. He’s incredibly passionate and obsessed but this drive makes him one of the most talented climbers I know. I hate to be too nice to Angus but climbing such a serious route on someone else’s rack which isn’t what you planned is probably one of the most impressive and stupid acts of commitment I know of.

This year I decided it was time to decrease the number of projects I was amounting but not finishing. I believe strongly in following the momentum you generate. It felt like the right time to try Nightmayer but it also felt like I had to commit and try it regardless of what the weather would do. I’d obsessively and quietly read Nick Bullock’s account of attempts and ascensionists over the years, I had no place left to hide, this time I would face this route head on. On my first return to this route with James Taylor I retro flashed the route on a top rope but I was sure the sequence I had was a poor one. I top roped it again clean with the same sequence and was discussing a return trip with James, maybe I should stop trying to top rope it clean and get a decent sequence.

We returned about a week later. I think both of us had a plan to lead it with one more top rope to check gear and the sequences. As we left Llanberis village driving up in James’s car I was quietly nervous. John Bunney would be arriving later to get pictures of our lead attempts so it seemed like today was inevitably the day for success or some air time. It had rained a bit earlier in the week but we were sure it would be dry, we were right in some ways but wrong in others.

As we rocked up to the bottom of the crag we were both surprised to see an unexpected wet streak on the bold section of climbing. Well that was that then, game over but we should check it out anyway on top rope as we’ve walked all the way up here. I set up off the classic Cemetery Gates to get us to the top of the route so we could set up a top rope to check the line. Whilst James set off down I sat up at the top in my own little sanctuary eating some Bilberries to pass the time and admire the views of the pass on offer. I knew I wanted to be here, this crag has bought me so much joy over the years and I am sure it is one I will keep returning to just for the pleasure to climb some of the classic routes again or to introduce other people to its delights.

As we lowered to the bottom I tried to towel dry the wet patches in the hope it would magically make the route dry, blind optimism was my best bet right now. James went first cruising through the moves cleanly as there are no consequences on top rope. I decided to break it down and check the gear out so I would know what I was placing and where. I tried to figure out better sequences but as it turned out my spanner sequence instincts were pretty good. James was up first, he understandably got pretty terrified on the wet section but put in a ballsy effort falling off mid crux at the top, he’d shown it was possible despite the bad conditions and I have no doubt when it dries out James will be back to smash this route.


James Taylor putting in a valiant effort on Nightmayer mid crux
James Taylor putting in a valiant effort on Nightmayer mid crux – John Bunney


As I set off for my attempt I was trying not to let the wet terrain get to my head. I started off up the shared start with Lord of the Flies questioning everything I was doing. I reversed to get my ‘shit’ together and to settle on the decision that I was going to give it everything I had. Once my head had settled I quickly got into the bold section and hit a special moment of being calm. As I hit the first wet holds on House of God the idea of falling and being uncertain as to whether the tiny cam and wire nest would hold didn’t phase me. I panicked a little with how wet the holds were, especially the positive holds that were part of my sequence but I managed to improvise a little to avoid these holds and I knew the dangerous bit would be over quickly. My head took me into a zone where I just focused on the climbing and not the consequences.

Trying to keep my 'shit' together on the wet rock before reaching the safety of the porthole
Trying to keep my ‘shit’ together on the wet rock before reaching the safety of the porthole – John Bunney


I made it to the ledges after the porthole a little more pumped than I had been on top rope, some of the holds after the porthole and on the second run out had been a little damper than I expected. I decided to get the decent ledge nests of kit in and wander out right under right wall to re-focus and dry my boots off in a more comfortable position. I went over to have a chat with Bunney and have a bit of a giggle, it put my head in the right place again after a fairly terrifying start. I was ready to give it everything for the hard head wall with run outs between good kit.

Having a little giggle and drying out my shoes after the wet start
Having a little giggle and drying out my shoes after the wet start – John Bunney


As I set off leaving the ledges the climbing gets technically trickier, I aimed for the next bomber wire as quickly as I could. I was in, this was the point where I could no longer feasibly reverse the moves I could only push on or bail on to the gear if I got scared. I’d got this far though so bailing didn’t really feel like an option, I had to really try hard even if I felt like I was about to fall. The next few tricky moves came just after the good wire, I knew I could blow it on these tenuous moves. All the time my brain is computing this perfectly executed sequence with no hesitation, it feels so involved trying to focus on the right footholds making sure I use the correct hand sequence with the right body position. But it flows so beautifully, the Cromlech makes you feel like a technical wizard and this route is the culmination of all the routes on the Cromlech.

Committing to the top run outs and entering the grand finale
Committing to the top run outs and entering the grand finale – John Bunney


Feeling like a technical wizard on the crux
Feeling like a technical wizard on the crux – John Bunney


I gain the pockets just before the crux and at the height where Nico took his infamous big lob. There are quite a few holds around this area that will eventually break off, who knows what they will leave behind. Will Sim broke something off around the crux when he was working it, as Nick seemed to think it might be something to do with his Cumbrian fingers of steel. As I hit a good pinch just before the last wire, it wobbles a bit and I hoped this wouldn’t be the time it decided to detach itself from the rock. I move into the crimps making one hard move before I can place the last crucial wire, it slots in perfectly. I feel so alone up here with this tiny crucial wire, it has held so many falls, I’m sure it will hold me too. The crux is hard, I hit the Spock pocket badly with only my middle and little finger. As I move my left foot up I feel like I’m falling outwards but somehow I stay on when my foot hits the miniscule foot edge and I’m suddenly falling upwards. But now I’ve really set myself up for the potential of a bigger fall onto the small wire. I hit the sanctuary of 2 good pockets before the last few hard moves to the top. I place 2 good skyhooks, at least I tell myself that because I don’t want to think about what might happen if I blew the last moves onto the small wire. I shake out for a long time, I don’t want to leave the pockets but I know I will eventually have to go for the last moves. I finally decided it was time to finish the journey, I hit the last hard move from a backhand, rolled into a small pocket and gained the top shelf. I’d made it to the top and let out a big whoop of relief and probably a fair few choice swearwords.

Finishing the journey and my obsession with Nightmayer
Finishing the journey and my obsession with Nightmayer – John Bunney


I had a small moment of reflection at the top. I took in the scenery and I gave myself a small moment to celebrate. I was happy to top out on such an incredible route on one of the most iconic walls in North Wales but also a little sad that it was over.

I have had one of my best trad years to date in terms of headpointing and this route comes close to being the top spot. I love the Cromlech in all it’s glory, I love the history behind the routes up there and I can appreciate the impressive first ascents in their day. I always knew that Steve was a strong climber but this might be one of his most impressive first ascents in my humble opinion, it definitely felt pretty ‘out there’ and technically tricky to me. I can now go into a new phase of appreciation of the Cromlech, if I’m walking up there now it is will be for the joy of just climbing up there until the time I decide to try the upper routes I guess.


Dreaming of Pembroke

Instead of being the heroine of a Jane Austen novel and dreaming of Pemberley and Mr Darcy I am a scruffy crag rat reminiscing about some classic climbing on trad. As Winter approaches I sit here watching Paul Donnithornes crazy video of some big waves crashing over the top of Bosherston Head; as I watch this my dreams of a return visit to Big Issue are washed away by Storm Ophelia, at least until next year.

I'm still smiling! I love trying hard - John Bunney
I’m still smiling! I love trying hard – John Bunney


I’d not been to Pembroke for a couple of years but in a year where I have been struggling for psych it was just what the good Dr ordered, it was much needed. In an impatient child like way I can’t wait for next years Pembroke trips, I’m sure I’ll soon be asking is it Spring yet! My first visit came to pass with James McHaffie, Maddy Cope, Ryan Pasquill and Mike Hutton hanging around to take some cool pictures.

After a very wet and adventurous first day climbing the classic Preposterous Tales (E2 5b) which felt like an atmospheric caving experience and an extremely wet Stargate (E3 5c) which felt nails, I think we made the most of the less than ideal Friday weather forecast.

Caving Scenes - James McHaffie
Caving Scenes – James McHaffie

Saturday arrived with some better weather conditions and I got my first foray into some of the classics; climbing Pleasure Dome (E3 5c) and seconding Caff up Mutiny on the Bounty (E6 6a). Fatboy then went on to lead this as his first E6 with Caffs recommendation of it being about E3, perhaps not that easy but still a great introduction at the grade.
We then headed for the main event, Big Issue. Caff got a bit over excited and set off in the sun (completely ignoring his own game plan) getting cooked on the crux and flying off. Caff and Ryan had tried to on-sight this route the weekend before but were now attempting it ground up. I’d wondered if I was on form for this route or not, and then I thought I’d never get past the first few metres trying it ground up. I watched Maddy and Ryan put in great efforts, then I had my first go. I surprised myself both times by getting into the crux and the seed was sown. I was psyched by the possibility of doing this classic route, but, the day was made by having fun trying it as a team, watching Caff cruise the route and better yet watching Ryan fight hard on his third attempt to make it to the top with chicken winging glory! After all we wouldn’t let him live it down if Caff burnt him off!

Group Camaraderie really helps on intimidating routes - Mike Hutton
Group Camaraderie really helps on intimidating routes – Mike Hutton

The next day was a tired one, my skin was sore and Caff was hungover. First up was a route that Caff had recommended but I approached it with some trepidation. A friend of mine had a bad accident on Barbarella (E5 6a) just over two years ago, she has recently written about it in Rock and Ice. I would describe Harriet as a strong climber with a great ‘go for it’ attitude, her gear ripped and she decked out, the result was lower vertebrae compression fractures and a broke wrist.
As I set off it was a little greasy and I was tense about following in Harriets footsteps; to battle this I placed as much kit as possible. I climbed down and rested, then I shook my way up the route getting over pumped and secretly cursing Caff for sandbagging me by sending me up this route for a ‘warm up’.

Trying not to look pumped or scared on Barbarella - Mike Hutton
Trying not to look pumped or scared on Barbarella – Mike Hutton

Next we visited Huntsman’s leap, somewhere I’d looked longingly at 13 years ago as a psyched18 year old but had never climbed on till now. Caff sent me off up Headhunter (E5), this time though it was a long endurance route with a bit of a bold start. Luckily for me this route was my style and the climbing was perfection, I loved every minute of it.
Caff then decided to tick another Leap route off his list with a spicy E5 6b called Woeful. I haven’t stopped being a Pembroke punter yet, I’d come down either just my climbing shoes so whilst Caff was cruising I was dancing around in the wet sand trying to stop pools of water soak into my shoes. I actually fell off seconding this rarely climbed route as the weird nature of it started to aggravate my shoulder, an impressive lead by Caff but not one I’ll be back for anytime soon.

What a beauty! - Mike Hutton
What a beauty! – Mike Hutton

A return trip was imminent, I’d got the psych to be back in Pembroke as quickly as possible. Usually on the bank holiday weekend in August I would have been competing at the DWS comp in Exeter but the guys at the Quay were having a well deserved break to freshen it up for next year. This also meant I could have a well deserved break from scaring myself above water, or so I thought. On the first day teaming up with fellow DWS competitors Simon Rawlinson and Rhoslyn Frugtinet, Simon thought it would only be fair to warm up on a DWS route! 😳 We head over to Breakfast Zawn where Simon told us there was a great 6b to get started on. The psyched led the blind up this ‘warm up’ route which felt tricky for the grade and actually turned out to be Black Mass (7b), naughty Simon! Whilst a little soft for 7b it wasn’t 6b either, perhaps somewhere in the middle.
After a little excitement Rhos went on to lead Pleasure Dome and I led the classic Bloody Sunday (E4 6a) giving Rhos an idea of how I place my gear and seat it as she is new to the trad climbing game.
Simon had done an amazing effort of setting up a top rope on Big Issue and we went down to check it out again. The moves are truly incredible, in the sun Simon had a hard time commenting that it was a big step up from Point Blank (E8 6c). Rhos looked strong on the route and I had some encouraging link ups, I was glad I checked out the top though as it is still pretty tricky. Simon had a second go, improving on the first in cooler conditions and making good progress.
Day 2 saw a return journey to the leap with Rhos cruising up Headhunter and I seconded a lovely guy called Russell up Minotaur (E5 6b) after he cruised up it for the on-sight win. I’d not led this one but sometimes you can see in the eyes of someone else how much the ascent would mean to them. Russell’s climbing partner was tired and Rhos had been stolen from me, I didn’t feel the need to lead this route and I was more than happy to see someone else achieve success on a route they wanted to do. Simon was checking out Dusk till Dawn (E8 6c) and suggested Terminal Twilight (E7 6b) to myself and Rhos. At this point I hadn’t learnt about leap conditions but I was quickly going to learn the hard way! I set off up the expectedly wet bit and slipped off, glad that Simon had placed a piece of kit to protect the damp start. Next go I made it through and got to the point where I expected it to dry off, it wasn’t super wet but it also wasn’t that dry. I fought for over half an hour hanging about trying to figure out a non-reachy way through the first hard bit without using soaking wet holds. I’m a stubborn git but in the end I was off, eventually I did the moves using wet holds and made slow progress until I hit a dodgy peg and a less than ideal cam. I set off up on wet undercuts not psyched about taking a dangerous whipper on to kit in greasy rock. In the end I shouted for Simon to give me the static rope to tie into, I’m glad I did because moments later I slipped of the aforementioned wet undercuts. I was knackered and it took all of my effort to just climb out at this point; sorry Rhos! Watching Rhos struggle a little bit to climb out did make me feel a bit better that I wasn’t being a wuss! I didn’t understand why it was so wet wet with such little rain and a beautiful sunny day until it dawned that whilst it was hot up on top it was very cold at the bottom of the leap causing the rock to condense, climbers beware!
Day 3 for me was a planned adventure with James Taylor that turned into a little bit of an unexpected epic. It all started off at a leisurely place; James led a Pleasure Dome (I seem to really like this route), then we climbed Mysteries (my first foray into Stennis Ford). After this James was keen to check out an E5 called Circus Circus which ended up being pretty wet, he instead made the very sensible decision to climb the classic Luck Strike (E1 5b).
The punter part of the day came just after this when we headed back to Stennis Ford. I abbed down From A Distance (E7 6b) checking the grease factor and brushing the bottom. I also placed in the first bit of low kit to protect the very start after some sensible advice.
As I set off up the route I made it through the first hard bit, I was then on the traverse rightwards between the two pegs. At this point I became aware of a crowd watching at the top, and I started to get nervous. The traverse run out to clip the next peg felt tricky and had whipper potential, I spent a long time shaking out on a variety of holds including a mono! The footholds felt slippy but I eventually managed to unlock the puzzle and clipped the peg, and relax. I could breathe I started to move up and my foot slipped, I was off, I lowered down frustrated with myself for not being patient. I wasn’t pumped so I felt like I hadn’t tried hard enough. James set off with my beta, glad that the traverse thread had a draw in it he managed to clip and make the next few moves before bingo wings kicked in and he was off. James asked if I wanted another go, my body was ready but the overriding concern now was that darkness seemed pretty imminent. Two guys who had been on the route the previous day were watching James, after he fell they upped and left, we were alone. James was too pumped to traverse into the E4 and climb out. His suggestion was to prusik and gri-gri out for 40 metres, I was not psyched as I knew this was how Dougie messed up his shoulder to the point it now needs surgery. I looked over to the grassy cross thinking we had just enough light to climb out. I suggested this to James, if he came down the ab rope and took the kit out we could bail pronto. How a head torch (at the top of the crag) and an ascender (in my car boot) would have been useful right now. As I set off up the choss it went dark, I couldn’t see enough to place gear and I’d just hit the potentially loose bit half way up. James was right, we should just take the hit and prusik as I imagined crashing to the boulders if I broke something off. All of a sudden some light and voices appeared at the top. My pride went out of the window and I shouted for help, I no longer cared. I’m sure it had only been minutes but it felt like hours hoping that the choss didn’t break on me. Suddenly I realised it was my amazing housemates (Tom and Bunney) who had come to our rescue. They grabbed the ab rope and attached a head torch to it, after a few attempts I got hold of it, tied on and safely climbed out. We made it out with a few valuable sea cliff lessons learnt and the one I was most glad of was that I had told them where we were most likely to be.

My hero John Bunney, glad they came to my rescue.
My hero John Bunney, glad they came to my rescue.
My hero, Tom Butel - John Bunney
My hero, Tom Butel – John Bunney

Day 4, I needed a break. I was mentally exhausted from the day before, I treated my amazing housemate to a birthday breakfast and off we went to Mother Carey! It made a lovely change to just sit, listening to Harry Potter on audiobook and taking pictures of my housemates climbing some classic routes.

Tom on Rock Idol - I took this one!
Tom on Rock Idol – I took this one!

Day 5 before heading home and the red flag was up! Whilst putting a little spin on my plans it did mean that Simon and I got to warm up and have some fun at St. Govans first. I belayed my housemate on his lead of The Butcher, Tom is normally more at home on a technical slate route so this was a fine effort. It was funny to see him tense up, I knew he was easily capable of climbing this route but he made it hard for himself. I thought he was off on the crux but he somehow managed to fight to hang on, one of the best feelings is when a friend tries hard and succeeds.

Tom trying hard on the Butcher - John Bunney
Tom trying hard on the Butcher – John Bunney


By this time the red flags were down it was my turn to try hard on Big Issue. I had decided to headpoint it with the gear in because I didn’t know the placements well enough, I thought I could come back again if I achieved this. I set off knowing I only had one shot before the drive home. I climbed tensely but somehow I made it to the crux and tried to relax, my foot slipped but I stayed on. I managed to reverse to the shake out, ok I just had to breathe. Weirdly in this moment I relaxed because I felt I how had no hope of getting up the route. I somehow managed to pounce my way through the crux in a scrappy fashion knowing that i had the rope in a bad place which could lead to a bad fall, and suddenly I was at the last few really hard moves. As I moved up my foot slipped but I stayed on, one big move down, I set up into the next and catch this awkward sidepull, I set up again to pounce for the next hold but I hit the slopey outside part of the hold instead of the jug and I’m off taking the ride. Well that wasn’t too bad for my first proper headpoint attempt, it wasn’t smooth because I didn’t have it dialled. I pull back up to my highest gear and after a short rest I pull back on and climb through the moves I just fell off to the top savagely pumped. I’m grinning when I top out, yes I’m a little frustrated I fell because I was close to doing it. I’m happy though because now I know I can do this route, I wasn’t at my fittest, I’m excited because I get to climb this superb route again and I’m determined that I will succeed. I think this route might come close to being one of the best trad routes I’ve ever had the privilege to climb on, sometimes it just needs a friend to plant the seeds of inspiration when you doubt your ability.

What have I let myself in for?! - John Bunney
What have I let myself in for?! – John Bunney
Good to have an attentive belayer - John Bunney
Good to have an attentive belayer – John Bunney
Trying Hard - John Bunney
Trying Hard – John Bunney
Big Issue (E9 6c) - John Bunney
Big Issue (E9 6c) – John Bunney
Tongues out for Power - John Bunney
Tongues out for Power – John Bunney
Yes it really is that steep! - John Bunney
Yes it really is that steep! – John Bunney

As Winter kicks in I will have fond memories of my Pembroke trips this year. I look forward to some training over the winter so I can complete Big Issue, hopefully being good enough to place the gear next time for a better style. It’s the Summer of fun times and adventures that keep me going over the Winter, that keep me psyched. What I live for is the next adventure whether it’s on the seacliffs or in the mountains or fighting the pump on a sport route; it’s where I feel that sparkle of something truly special.

Nemesis routes – facing your inner demons

After a hot walk in!
After a hot walk in!

I’m sure everyone gets a route from time to time that becomes your nemesis, no matter the grade it scares and intimidates you. It’s like you are David facing the mighty Goliath, seemingly having no chance. Until finally you manage to outwit him and defeat your foe.
About 4 or 5 years ago I set off up to Cloggy for the first time with Alex, I’d been having a good week climbing everyday. I’d onsighted routes like Right Wall and Void in this week, I was on a roll or so I thought.
Our plan of attack was to climb the classic Great Wall E4 6a. Rather arrogantly – I think this was my undoing – I was already thinking that this route wouldn’t be that hard. It used to be given E3, so I just assumed the gear would be obvious and the climbing relatively straightforward.
I set off up this route going at a steady pace and placing some good kit. However, at the crux I had a brain freeze. I’d got kit in but my confidence seemed to have run dry and I just couldn’t commit to the crux. In the end I reversed the entire pitch (daft I know) instead of heading upwards.
I let Alex take over for the lead, I was so disappointed when I got back up there to find that I could do the moves easily. I felt like my head had let me down and fear had gotten the better of me. This time Goliath had hammered me into submission, my head was in such a bad way that I let Alex lead the next pitch too. I had been humbled by this route, stripped bare of my confidence. I felt vulnerable but I bounced back in every way except for facing this route again. It was a valuable lesson never to underestimate a route no matter what the grade is, and yes I do get scared.
Cloggy is a truly stunning crag when it’s dry and it was pretty busy when we arrived. While it’s beautiful I would now never underestimate the aura of intimidation this crag gives you. Whilst places like the Cromlech are intimidating the holds tend to be good and the gear placements fairly obvious. The climbing at Cloggy is technical and the gear placements are fiddly leading you to waste a lot of time and energy. I have been up to Cloggy a few times now and never had an easy mental day up here, I always come away exhausted. I’ve witnessed history in seeing 3 friends climb Indian Face in the space of a week, something I would consider a death route if you made a mistake. It was harrowing and I’m glad they all survived to tell their stories. I’ve had some good climbs on Cloggy but on the same day I had a meltdown on an E4 5c called the Boldest. I felt this was more justified because it is quite a serious route but it only led to me feeling a little negative about Cloggy and reluctant to go back.

George leading Indian face
George leading Indian face

A week ago my friend Dave Evans suggested a return visit to Cloggy to do Midsummer Nights Dream (E6 6a), the word Cloggy sent chills down my spine and I wanted to run away. I started making all sorts of excuses about why we shouldn’t go up there but Dave was pretty psyched on the idea. I felt I owed Dave a day of what he wanted to do after he agreed to belay me on my project at LPT for some filming the day before. I think I was more nervous belaying Dave than he was (only just) about the main first pitch on Midsummer. I was impressed with how he kept it together to onsight this stunning pitch. I can only say seconding it that my eyes were bulging with how technical the climbing is and how run out it was. It’s a funny one, you don’t get pumped but the holds are not good enough to stay on if you lost your balance. You can’t half commit to a move, my words of encouragement to Dave had been smash it in which was entirely inappropriate. In hindsight it should have been climb like a graceful ballerina, not how you would describe Dave if you know him.
I tried climbing the start of the second pitch twice but the rain and wind forced us to retreat. Unsure whether the forecasted thunderstorm was on its way in we were certain that we’d made the right call. On the ground it frustratingly started to brighten up. With it being Summer Solstice we thought it would be rude to leave the crag, the options were Great Wall (my nemesis) to get to the 2nd pitch of Midsummer or a different and easier route altogether. In my head I knew there was only one option but I was scared, I voiced out loud that we should do Great Wall because I had to get over this big mental block. I’ve not been doing much trad recently so my gear placements are a little rusty to say the least and I’ve not been climbing smoothly on trad so far this year. As I set off I was climbing well until I had to place gear. Everything suddenly got a little shaky and I became nervous, my movements became a bit more rigid and there was a clap of thunder in the distance. Great, this was my excuse to back off, I even said out loud that I could just clip the in-situ wire and reverse. Luckily Dave shouted up to me with words of encouragement and I kept on going after the in-situ wire unable to believe I’d reversed these moves. Then I got to where I was 4 years ago, my mental block. I started to shake, overgripping I felt uncertain as to whether I could conquer this giant. I was way above the in-situ wire and needed to settle my head before the crux. I built myself a nest of 4 fiddly, shallow but bomber bits of kit. It was the only way I would be happy. I went up once to figure out what I was doing then I came back to the shake out. All the way up I’d been hesitant and quite negative, in that moment I calmed myself for the inevitable choice. I knew I had to commit to the smears and two awkward moves for glory, in that moment my head cleared, I trusted my kit and I went for it, committing one hundred percent to succeeding or falling off.
Luckily I succeeded, but the bigger success to me was that I got to a point where I trusted my gear and I was happy to go for it knowing I may fall. I defeated my inner demon and toppled my Goliath. It’s not the hardest or boldest route I’ve done, but in some ways it meant just as much to me because I had to come back from a dark hole of negative thoughts. Sometimes it’s easy to take these things for granted when you’re on a roll and in a good head space. As I’ve found, it can be a difficult battle when you’re suddenly full of self doubt to turn it around and get back to the top of your game.


Will on Cloggy on a fun day
Facing my fears on Great Wall
Facing my fears on Great Wall

For anyone facing fears I wish you good luck, and if you have any questions about tactics please feel free to ask questions and I’ll try my best to answer. Happy summer of climbing!


My year so far part 1

Apologies for the delay on writing any blogs this year, my website has been a work in progress so here is an incredibly late blog that will be in two halves.

I wanted to write about the South African trad exchange which now seems like a distant memory from the beginning of the year. For me this has been one of two highlights of an incredibly mixed year for me. I decided to do as much route training as possible before heading but even sneaked in some January sessions at Red Wall, Gogarth. The excitement was building for heading somewhere completely new and meeting the South African team.

The hospitality and friendliness of the South African climber’s was incredible with a huge amount of organisational skills from Julia Wakeling. After skimming over the itinerary and just being psyched to go climbing for 3 weeks I completely underestimated how much we were going to be packing in, I’m also pretty certain their tactic was to wear us out with the walk ins and copious amounts of alcohol.

On arrival, and straight off the plane, myself, Pete and Mikey headed up to the majestic table mountain with Snort (one of the colourful characters of the group). Table mountain towers above Cape Town with some amazing views and impressive exposure I did my first climb of the trip weighing in at a hefty E4 it was great and just the right level after a long flight.


Out to Lunch - 24/E4
Out to Lunch – 24/E4
Stocking up on the important camping bits
Stocking up on the important camping bits

The next morning we got up super early to join the rest of the team at Wolfberg. On the trip over we realised that Snort had left half his climbing kit and I couldn’t find some of my trad rack which I was pretty sure I’d left safely at the climbing wall (eventually got it back). Instead of telling the real story Snort decided to concoct a ridiculous one that involved partying, drinking and orgies in the van. What’s more ridiculous is that everyone believed this story for a couple of days, when Julia brought it up on the way back to Cape Town I couldn’t stop laughing and eventually told her the truth.

Wolfberg Features
Wolfberg Features


Incredible exposure on Wolfgang - 22/E2
Incredible exposure on Wolfgang – 22/E2



Fighting hard on Red Rain - 26/E6
Fighting hard on Red Rain – 26/E6
Pancake rest day scenes
Pancake rest day scenes


I was too scared but most of the team had a good cool off
I was too scared but most of the team had a good c

To me there are so many fond memories of this trad trip; the great bbq’s, drinking wine and socialising, pancake breakfasts, incredible rock to climb on. For me the highlights include:

Climbing at Tafelberg; even with a 3 hour hike-in carrying water and suffering in the heat this crag stood out for so many reasons. Every climb was five stars, and I had a great day with my climbing partner Jimbo ticking off numerous E4’s and 5’s. The route that stands out for me here is Blue Mountain Direct which was given 25 or E5 put up by Steve Meyers and Tiny, this felt like the biggest sandbag I’ve been on. I had to dig deep and try really hard finding ways to attain the breaks on small holds and placing more cams than I needed to. But the climbing and the exposure on this route were five stars. To me it was also pretty magical bivvying out under the bright starry sky. I didn’t sleep much but for once I wasn’t complaining.


A great bivvy spot
A great bivv


Crouching Tiger Hidden Giraffe - 24/E4
Crouching Tiger Hidden Giraffe – 24/E4
Echoes and Shadows - 25/E5
Echoes and Shadows – 25/E5
Tafelberg Spaceship
Tafelberg Spaceship

Watching Steve Mclure flash Double Jeopardy (E8) on Table Mountain, I mean we all know he’s a pretty good climber right!? It was great to see everyone get their silly side out with 80’s style themed get up. Myself, Pete and Steve decided to have a look at triple jeopardy with local heroes Jimbo and Clinton. It was pretty roasting up there and Pete and myself both fell off at varying stages on the crux. Pete gave up but I had a look at the rest of the route. I though it was hard but what is more impressive Steve went first and with some vague information he cruised up this route managing to recover and make the holds look better than they actually were.

Dodgy 80's attire
Dodgy 80’s attire
Attempting Double Jeopardy - 30/E8
Steve Flashing Double Jeopardy – 30/E8
NO Longer at Ease one of the best 25's/E5 on Table Mountain
NO Longer at Ease one of the best 25’s/E5 on Table Mountain

Climbing with Snort at Yellowwood, although this was a ridiculously early start (got up at 3am) and by about 1 we were baking in the sun and I had blisters on my toes. But climbing here on one of Snort’s first ascents called Fantastic Time felt like a real adventure. The rock quality wasn’t as good but I’m glad I didn’t miss out on going to this incredible place. It was very different to most of the places we climbed at the climbing on each pitch was serious, engaging and enjoyable. I did however disappoint snort by lay backing the bit where I was told the only way to do it would be to jam.

The last part of the trip was at a place called Blouberg with another 5 hour epic walk in and bivvy overnight. I was teamed up with Richard Halsey to climb an E5 called Once in a Blue Moon (aptly named because it had taken Hector a long time to complete the route for the first ascent). To me a lot of this was now type 2 fun, I could barely put my climbing shoes on without them being painful let alone climb in them. The lunch breaks were great but I was apprehensive about climbing the crux pitch when I couldn’t stand on big footholds. I don’t know why and luckily it played into my court but I was actually in less pain standing on small holds which the crux had plenty of, with minimal gear and a couple of hard to reach bolts I found this pretty committing, maybe more like E6. I was pretty terrified of taking a big lob onto small cams but somehow I managed to make up a random sequence of moves to clip the bolt and carry on to safety, much to my relief and the climbers around us. I thought we’d been making good progress on the pitches and topped out just before sunset, but little did I know we still had the maze to come and we hit it just as it went dark. This wasn’t where you wanted to be getting lost, but there were a few of us stuck up there. We were managing to make our way down at a slow rate of progress in a group when Mikey and Garvin found us, as it turns out we weren’t even the last people. Snort was against more rescues as it would be character building to bivvy for the night at the top for anyone else who was stuck. Luckily mikey and a couple of others headed out again to gather up the stragglers. Although this was mostly type 2 fun for me with my feet being in so much pain by this point I learnt some valuable lessons and it is probably one of the days that I still remember clearly and with an element of fondness. Even the descent from blouberg the next day was a bit of a mission with some of us nearly getting very lost. We had various stories from Saffers about 12 hour walks to get to or from the crag.

The grand scale of Blouberg
The grand scale of Blouberg
Cool dude at Blouberg
Cool dude at Blouberg

It was time for some of our hosts to go their separate ways and the rest of us carried on to Waterval Boven.
For me the second half of the trip to Waterval Boven was a bit of an anticlimax, don’t get me wrong it was great fun and the climbing was good but it’s not what I would travel half way across the world for when we have such good sports climbing already in Europe. However, this is only my opinion and I have heard rave reports so don’t be put off by my thoughts. The rock quality on the classics is stunning and there are many world class lines but I was spoiled by the sublime trad climbing beforehand.  I will give you my highlights of this part and if you are climbing out there hopefully some of the quality lines that Boven has to offer. The rock has a beautiful orange hue and there are some spectacular features but I feel it is a risk for any climber going here. With stories of people being robbed, held at knife point and Candice giving us her mace spray for the last few days it didn’t feel like a safe town to be in, however if you do visit the couple who run roc n rope are lovely and my recommendation would be to stay up at the beautiful tranquilitas, even though the road up is slightly sketchy the best climbing is up at this accommodation.
Luckily it was only on the penultimate day we had any incidents but it wasn’t very pleasant when Becca got bitten by dogs as we were walking out from the Restaurant crag. It was pretty nerve wracking on the drive in, there are buildings here that used to be accommodation mostly for visiting climbers but they are now abandoned and squatters from a political faction seem to have taken over. When we drove in we pretended we knew this guy to be able to climb there. Ben and Candice had to leave to get to the airport, so when a thunderstorm started brewing myself, Sophie and Becca walked out. As we approached the buildings three dogs started running out barking and baring their teeth, what is strange is that they went round myself and Sophie and started biting Becca who had been the furthest away. Luckily the guys managed to call the dogs off but not before they had done considerable damage. I’m not sure I could’ve remained as calm as Becca did, I’m pretty sure I’d have started crying if it had been me. Luckily the guys on the site were decent enough and one of them walked us to the gate to make sure we were ok, it was the first time this had happened so we decided it wasn’t worth reporting it to the police.

Becca's War Wounds
Becca’s War Wounds

Boven highlights:

Urisk the Rustic Brownie – given a grade of 23 the climbing is not a walkover but it is also at an amenable grade. The best bit about this route is that it is in an exceptionally photogenic location right by the waterfall.

Freak On (24/7a) – the first route I did at Waterval Boven and what a cracker it is with some really funky moves near the top of the route.

Lotter’s Desire (27/7b+) – this has to be one of the most beautiful pieces of red/orange rock with some intricate climbing. It has a real sting in the tail.

Bikini Red (27/7b+) – another stunning line with a sting in the tail.

Snapdragon (29/7c+) – Dastardly tricky moves all over the place from start to finish, I found the mid section to be my crux with many of the holds never being quite as good as you would like them to be.

Monster (29/7c+) – one mega long pumpfest, make sure your arms are in full working order before you set off on this one. What a beauty!

Jack of all Trades (30/8a) – like its name says you really have to be good at a bit of everything for this route. It starts off pretty steady but gradually gets harder the higher you get until you’re all out fighting not to drop it at the top.

Urisk the Rustic Brownie - 23/6c+
Urisk the Rustic Brownie – 23/6c+
Lotter's Desire - 27/7b+
Lotter’s Desire – 27/7b+
Mikey chicken winging to glory on Monster 29/7c+
Mikey chicken winging to glory on Monster 29/7c+

The non climbing highlight of the trip for me was heading to Kruger on Safari for a rest day after climbing at Waterval Boven, it’s something I would definitely recommend to anyone visiting South Africa. I wasn’t sure if we would spot the big five, even if we didn’t it was a great laugh heading there with Ben, Sophie and Becca. I think half the fun is looking for the animals, I don’t think I’ve concentrated on anything for that amount of time in a while. We caught a quick glimpse of a Leopard which was the most exciting but for me, I love Leopards and if I could be one animal I would like to be a Leopard for their graceful speed and agility. We saw Lion’s from a distance, plenty of Elephant’s, Giraffe’s, Hippoptamus and Zebra’s. I could’ve spent more time there, I think there is something magical about seeing creatures in their natural habitat hunting and exploring.




On my return from South Africa after an incredible trip I was riding a wave of psych; the day after I got off the plane,on a pretty cold March day, Pete robins and I headed to check out Caff’s new route Gravity Wave (E8 6c).
When we first abseiled into the route I had this feeling of being intimidated by the route with no chalk it looked impossible and scary with the sea lapping beneath us. Pete set off along the start, having been on it before with Caff he decided to check the moves out. The start looked tricky with not much gear and there is a bouldery crux in the steepest part of the route. Then it’s just a case of keeping your pump under control with shallow cam placements.
As Pete put chalk on the route it started to look more possible and I decided that it wouldn’t hurt to attempt a flash of this route. Pete stripped most of the gear except the blind wires that protect the crux (the same kit Caff had in for the first ascent) and the starting gear just before it as they would have been a nightmare to get out.
I set off along the bold starting traverse with some trepidation trying not to think about what would happen if I fell off at this point, breaking it down into baby steps in my head. I thought get to the starting gear and the pre-crux wires first, then if I feel good I should just go for it. I tugged on the wires to make sure they were seated properly and went for it. Surprisingly I made it through the crux boulder with help from Pete on the moves and I was soon into the shake out on Chicama. Ok now it was just a case of making it through some big moves on reasonable holds in steep terrain. As I moved along I placed the cams I’d been given, pulling up high to view the placements and wishing I hadn’t as they were all so shallow. all I had to do was keep breathing, stay calm and try not to question if they would hold on a fall. In a certain amount of disbelief I made it to the top and then stripped the same amount of gear for Pete to grab the 4th ascent of Caff’s new route. Did I do it in the best possible style? Absolutely not, I think I could’ve done it in better placing all the gear but I did it in a style that I felt comfortable with and placed as much of the gear as possible. Is it E8 6c? I’m not sure of the grade, some bits felt pretty out there to me and without chalk or beta I think it would’ve felt hard on the crux, but the route suited my style after the crux in that I just had to stay calm and manage any developing pump.

Stripping the gear out of Gravity Wave
Stripping the gear out of Gravity Wave

Part 2 of my blog to follow soon……….

An Eventful Summer

I’ve sat down to write a blog so many times since the end of May and now we are nearly into August. It’s been a busy but fun time for me with lots of coaching and setting work mixed in with some cool trips so I thought I’d write a little about the highlights of the last 2 months.

First up for me was was a 2 week planned trip to Rodellar with Adam Hocking and Tiffany Soithongsuk; Will Sim also came and joined us for most of the trip and Will Hardy for our last couple of days. I think as much as anything with a trip its not all about the climbing it’s who your with and also who you meet that can make or break a trip, this trip turned out to be great and lots of fun was had. Rest days in Rodellar are beautiful too, playing table tennis in the sunshine at Kalandraka or swimming in the gorges, I think the swimming provided the most entertainment for the rest of our group as I am not a water baby and I would usually swim from one side to the other as quickly as possible. For me the best bits of the trip were watching Tiffany flash Toma Castanzo (7a+) on her first day, having previously redpointed 7c this was her first 7a+ flash. Tiffany also did a 7b 2nd go and put in a really good fight on L’any que ve Tambe (7c) at Gran Boveda. Watching Adam climb Acrabita (8a) after breaking his toe before the trip and also watching a new friend Amir also put in an amazing fight to climb Acrabita too for his first ever 8a. My personal highlights were: Acrabita; fourth go (8a), Gracias Fina; onsight (8a), Kings of Metal; third go (8a+), El Sepes; second go (7c+/8a), L’any que ve Tambe; onsight (7c). This time I knew it was going to be a good trip climbing wise; on the first day I climbed Made in Mascun (7c+) which I’d struggled with the previous year due to a bad neck. I also had a look at Geminis (8b+), a striking line in the Gran Boveda which I made good links on quickly. Unfortunately it got too hot and I had to make the tough decision to leave it for another time.

One of many beautiful pools in the gorge at Rodellar
One of many beautiful pools in the gorge at Rodellar
Adam Hocking trying and failing to control the wing on Acrabita
Adam Hocking trying and failing to control the wing on Acrabita
Adam successfully sending Acrabita
Adam successfully sending Acrabita
Tiffany putting her yoga flexibility to good use on L'any que ve Tambe
Tiffany putting her yoga flexibility to good use on L’any que ve Tambe
Me sending Kings of Metal
Me sending Kings of Metal
Trying hard on Geminis
Trying hard on Geminis
A beautiful place to have lunch
A beautiful place to have lunch
The A Team
The A Team


Shortly after Rodellar I was on another plane this time to do some summer Alpine climbing for a Rab photoshoot with Calum Muskett, Adrian Samarra and Ben Winston. I didn’t know what to expect from this trip as I’ve never really climbed on granite and I’ve only put crampons on once before. The first day up on the Cosmiques was a bit of a steep learning curve for me, climbing down the ladder from the station with big drops either side I felt like Bambi on ice. I was completely out of my comfort zone trying things like front pointing on rock, whilst I was scared by the lack of control I had I also absolutely loved it. The trip certainly had its eventful moments with Ben trying his best to mangle his fingers by grabbing the drone on the first day. I learnt that I’m definitely not a winter baby because as soon as the sun went I got cold but I also loved the experience more than I thought I would and it’s something I am keen to go back and do more of. I loved the unforgiving nature of the granite where you have to be climbing technically well, the altitude didn’t affect me which was a nice surprise too and the scenery is absolutely breathtaking. We didn’t get to try our objective of the Voie Petit properly which was a little frustrating but the highlights for me were climbing the crux pitch of Linia Blange (7b) on the Chandelle du Tacul and a day at Bionassay with Jude sport climbing. I guess the thing that will stick with me the most from this trip is not so much the climbing but the whole experience, learning some new tricks and whilst Chamonix is incredibly touristy it’s easy to see why; the scenery is truly stunning.

Beautiful 6c arete on the Cosmiques
Beautiful 6c arete on the Cosmiques
Walking in to the Grand Capucin
Walking in to the Grand Capucin
Climbing one of the pitches on Voie Petit
Climbing one of the pitches on Voie Petit
Climbing on the Chandelle du Tacul
Climbing on the Chandelle du Tacul

After the Alps trip I still had unfinished business with Melancholie but I wasn’t sure I’d be able to do it after 2 weeks of not climbing much. I first tried this route in March and felt like it would go pretty quickly given the less than ideal conditions and my quick progress. However this turned out to not be the case due to continued bad conditions with the odd good one thrown in to taunt me. I could only try the route every now and again due to my busy schedule which was frustrating, I couldn’t just pick and choose the days I wanted to do it and on those free days I sometimes just couldn’t muster the psych that was needed. I had one day before the Alps trip where I went backwards on the route falling just above the boulder crux each time which was my worst attempts on the route bar the odd warm up go falling off the boulder crux. I was getting frustrated as my high point of falling off going into the jugs on Bad Bad Boy was one that I’d attained quickly.  I found on coming back from the Alps I wasn’t any weaker but I was a whole lot fitter and my motivation to do the route was renewed after a change of scenery, I was no longer getting pumped on the route so now it was just down to silly mistakes. On the day I did it I fell off going into the jugs on my first go (at this point Wiz suggested a slightly different foot beta sequence which worked out much better), second go was bad but my third go I made it through to the jugs not pumped – I was in as long as I managed to stay relaxed! For me the end of Bad Bad boy is still hard and I don’t do it by the usual method from the undercuts, instead I roll over with my left hand from the crimp rail which works better for me on consistency. I was so happy to clip the chains on this iconic hard route and to take a breather from redpointing.

The second crux of Melancholie
The second crux of Melancholie
Finally sending Melancholie with a great support team!
Finally sending Melancholie with a great support team!

In this time I also did Ring My Bell (E7 6b) ground up second go after watching Ollie Cain headpoint it to climb his first E7! My first attempt did not go smoothly and I couldn’t seem to get my head in the right place but after falling on to the cam on the crux I felt a bit more settled, I’d got the scary bit out of the way and my first fall on trad of the year. I found the crux hard and even on my second go from the ground I felt like I just about scraped my way through the moves with a different method to Ollie. Even though I was disappointed in myself to not flash the route I was still happy with my ground up style.

Ollie leading a tricky E5 at Cwm Glas Bach
Ollie leading a tricky E5 at Cwm Glas Bach
A fun time at Cwm Glas Bach on the trad with these two jokers!
A fun time at Cwm Glas Bach on the trad with these two jokers!
2015-07-01 14.45.45
Ollie on Ring my Bell

Next up for me was a bit of a planned/unplanned event. I was involved in the FRCC youth Lakes meet. Before I go into this a bit more Caff mentioned a pre-weekend hit on Impact Day something which was on my radar but not at the top of the to do list. This meant leaving at 7:00am from Wales so that we could give it a good go but be back down in time to meet the kids at the Rawhead hut in the evening.

My thoughts on Imapct Day, E8 6c:

I was pretty sleepy on the drive up having thrown everything in the car for 2 weeks on the road starting from now. I parked up in Langdale and realised after about 10 minutes that Caff had already headed up to Pavey (keen youth that he is!). I packed the kit I thought I’d need and started the trudge up the steps to Pavey in the baking heat, I was soon down to shorts and a sports bra. As you reach the top of the walk you hit a nice lake and the first sight of the climbing on Pavey Ark (a beautiful sight), I could also see a small dot above Impact Day so I started moving as quickly as possible. Once we were all sorted and ready to go Caff and I both top roped it a couple of times to check out the moves and gear. I felt like I had a good sequence but was not mega happy about the start. Caff tied on to the sharp end and cruised it in his usual calm style, he made it look as easy as he had done on top rope. Everything was in control and there was no doubt that he wasn’t going to do it. For me I’d had a quick check of the starting sequence again as my only doubts lay in this bit, I think this was due to it being a big move and badly protected at the start but also in Part due to knowing that Hazel had come a cropper on the start of this same route; as Caff put it I wouldn’t have had doubts if it was just the former issue. I spent about 20 minutes at the bottom post Caff’s send deciding on whether or not to pull the ropes, the doubt was niggling at me but at the same time this voice in my head was overriding this telling me that I could do it. In the end the latter voice won and I’d convinced myself that if I walked away without giving it a shot I’d be disappointed with myself. I pulled the rope and the nerves kicked in – was I doing the right thing? Even though I’d climbed the moves easily I don’t take a serious headpoint lightly; I started off nervously placing the first kit then into the “E5” sketch start, a long lock off move saw me through the start and I could breathe again. I was so nervous though I knew I was over gripping because I didn’t want to climb the start again. I laced the break with kit before the crux, I was more pumped than on top rope but I was going to give it my all, my arms started to chicken wing mid crux but I somehow managed to make it through to a crimp rail and the peg to breathe and get a quick shake out. For me the route wasn’t over after the crux and I still found the top moves hard,  I needed to get something back for the top out as I couldn’t do it the same way as Caff, I just about got enough to get the pocket right hand, little crimp left hand, then crimp right hand, big move into a left backhand and kick my right foot up to press it out and top out. I was so relieved I’d done the route and happy to have given it my all and won the battle. We even had time to have a quick celebratory drink before heading off to meet the keen youths for the weekend.

Pavey Ark!
Pavey Ark!


Caff cruising Impact Day!
Caff cruising Impact Day!

The main reason Caff and I were up in the Lakes was to help out with an FRCC Lakes youth meet which Ron Kenyon had done a stellar job of organising and without his efforts this weekend would not have gone ahead. There were 10 kids signed up for the weekend ranging from 12 – 17 years old, what surprised me the most was that 8 out of the 10 were girls which was great to see. I was teamed up with a young girl called Ellie Cox for the weekend and luckily the weather gods were mostly in our favour managing to hit the two Raven Crags over the weekend. Ellie impressed me with her climbing skills and composure on the trad routes we did and by the end of the second day I was happy to pass over the baton to do a multipitch Severe called Original Route, I think it’s important to teach the basics of placing kit and making belays in a non stressful environment and having done a couple of trad routes previously Ellie was pretty solid on her gear placements. The aim of this weekend was to inspire the future generation for trad climbing and I hope we did that and that this event will happen again next year fingers crossed!

Swiss Alps

After the lakes I had a few days setting at Big Rock and White Spider, between my setting dates I crazily decided to head out climbing in Switzerland. My climbing partner for the 5 days (Jonny Baker) had some good ideas lined up and on the drive to our first destination showed me the options. I was psyched for some sunshine and new territory to explore, Switzerland definitely didn’t disappoint on the stunning scenery and 5 days of glorious sunshine. First up we hit the impressive limestone crag Wendenstocke for some multipitch climbing, the plan was to go and try the 13 pitch 7a Patent Ochsner. We didn’t have the earliest of starts arriving at the crag at 2 in the afternoon I wasn’t optimistic that we would get to the top of this adventurous route. Luckily we moved quickly though another couple who were abseiling as we hit pitch 5 thought we were slightly mad. The climbing was beautiful and techy with lots of delicate crimpy moves, for me the hardest pitches felt like the 6b+ at the start and the 6a+ slab at then end with no proper holds, spaced bolts and lots of smearing after 12 pitches of climbing. We made it down just before dark, a perfect start to the trip. I could have spent 5 days here though the walk may have destroyed my knees. The next day we headed to a lovely little sports crag called Simplon Dorf; I was surprised to see how many people were there but this crag had lots of good routes in the mid 7’s. With nice little open handed crimps it suited my style and we ticked off three routes there, a lovely litte 6c+ called Tabu, then a beautiful technical 7a+ called Andre am Bolzen. We moved on to a lovely 7c called Ferdinand Purrligaager that had a bit of everything, I managed to onsight this route which I was pretty happy with and then Jonny pulled a flash out of the bag (I always enjoy watching people fight on a route, something that I am not so good at).  Our plan for the next day was to hop over the border to climb at Cadarese; on the way over I’m pretty sure the guys at the checkpoint were very bored when they pulled us over and were also extremely disappointed when they didn’t find any drugs in the van. Whilst Cadarese isn’t much to look at once you get through the trees the granite crags are pristine with perfect cracks all over the place, I was keen to try and improve my granite crack climbing skills on bolts (safety first). We started of warming up on a lovely 6a then moved onto a crack climb called Hannibal, I decided to try and learn to hand jam so clipped the bolts but still fell back into the comfort of lay backing, whereas Jonny decided to get his head better at trad climbing so cruised it placing kit and found “bomber” hand jams ….. hmmm something tells me I’ve got a long way to go! We then moved up the crag to the mid sector where some nice Austrian guys were trying the most striking line of the sector called C’era una Volta (7b+). After they were finished I decided to give it a go clipping the bolts again, luckily it was more finger locks this time so I managed to fight my way to the top for the onsight in the heat, it was a great full body work out with some pretty smeary footholds on the crux. The last couple of days were more chilled as my knee started to play up on the walk to the Petit Clocher (one for next time) and some bouldering at the Col du Montets, it was nice to chill out and enjoy the stunning scenery again finished off with a lovely quick swim in the lake at Servoz on the way to the airport. I was sad to leave the sunshine and views behind to head back to work but reality has to kick in at some point.

The awesome Wendenstocke!
The awesome Wendenstocke!
Jonny cruising one of the pitches on Patent Oschner.
Jonny cruising one of the pitches on Patent Oschner.
The sun setting on our walk down from Wendenstock.
The sun setting on our walk down from Wendenstock.

Finally, this weekend just gone I was involved in a weekend with 6 kids who won their categories in the Rocfest comp earlier this year. The prize of a weekend with myself and Caff was provided by DMM with Jim Mcormack representing from DMM and Ray Wood filming the weekend. This weekend wouldn’t have been a success without the enthusiasm and organisation from the guys at Rockover (Tom Stewart, Tom LLoyd and Melanie Jackson). We had one day at Robinhood stride/Cratcliffe and one day at Plantation then the Climbing Works when the rain came in. These kids impressed me with their displays of natural talent and lack of fear on the rock, they had limitless energy and there were many red tips by the end of two days. I guess my main thing for them to take away would be to not get too wrapped up in grades and my gold star for the weekend would have to go to & year old Fae who showed no fear and great technique (she reminded me of myself at that age).

The Rocfest/DMM team at Stanage.
The Rocfest/DMM team at Stanage.

Now I have a few weeks at home to catch up with good friends, enjoy the lovely sunny welsh weather (hopefully) and fix my hard worked body.

Working hard testing problems = broken body!
Working hard testing problems = broken body!


Kalymnian Sunshine

After a less than successful trip to Spain and a hectic start to the year I decided to have a weeks holiday in Kalymnos with a good friend of mine Katy Piddock for some much needed girl time, sunshine and ice cream. I last went to Kalymnos in 2010 for 3 weeks with Adam Hodgson and had an amazing time onsighting my first 8a. This time didn’t disappoint either, though a week just wasn’t long enough.


Obligatory Telendos sunset picture
Obligatory Telendos sunset picture

Before I went out I hadn’t really trained I’d been busy setting a lot and feeling pretty wiped out, just before we headed out I came down with a stinking cold as did Katy (not good trip juju). Both Katy and I had been messaging each other excited about our up coming holiday as we had both been working hard – equally looking forward to climbing together again as well as doing all the holiday things. We didn’t have any set plans we both just wanted to go climbing.

The first day we arrived it was windy with showers (not the Kalymnos weather we were hoping for, especially after leaving North Wales in a sunny state). We headed to Odyssey with Katy not having done much there, it was cold and we were glad to have warm layers. Warming up was hard work and with stinking colds neither of us were mega psyched but I persevered on. Katy tried Fouska but didn’t get on with the burly moves still feeling a bit baked from the journey. It was sheltered in this bit of the crag and I decided to put the clips in on Gaia (8b) and have a look at the moves. I’d initially been more psyched on heading to Jurassic Cave but heard that bits were wet and it was cold. Gaia is my anti-style being pure power endurance with big moves but they were also cool moves, in giving it a look I surprised myself by piecing together the moves quickly. However doing the moves and linking them together on something like this are very different stories. At the end of the day I had a quick warm down onsighting Alfredo Alfredo (7b+) which was definitely harder work than I anticipated in the freezing cold!

The next day we headed back, it was super windy again but at least it wasn’t raining! When we arrived some people were leaving due to it being on the cusp of dangerously windy! It was interesting climbing in the mega wind on the first sector so we quickly moved on my warm up was less than ideal. I had a quick go on Gaia getting a new high point, it was sunnier but still windy. Some of the Bristol and London crew had arrived bringing some new psych doing a cool route to the right. I had another go on Gaia messing up low down on the start of the crux being too cold but also getting a massive flapper on my middle finger. I didn’t feel it go as it was so cold but it was definitely a deep gusher – gutted! I did some maintenance then taped it with tissue underneath. I had another go getting to my high point again but finding the last hard move before going left super burly.

First flapper on Gaia was a big one!
First flapper on Gaia was a big one!


I had it in my mind that I was capable of doing this route even though it’s my anti style but also being unsure to continue with it due to only having a week. With the new high levels of climbing being performed its easy to forget sometimes that 8b is still really freaking hard.

The next day we had a plan to head up to Spartacus wall, my memories of this sector last time was it being mega busy due to having some classic routes. It was pleasantly surprising to find only one other team at the crag, we did some really cool routes to start with. The best route was a 6c called Les Amazones and for anyone operating at this grade visiting Kalymnos I would recommend climbing this beauty of a route. It was my 3rd day on and after watching a guy do Daniboy second go I decided to have a look at it. I felt pretty baked and didn’t climb well through the start getting my head stuck into the same beta that the guy had used to get out of the steep bit instead of working out my own sequence. Annoyingly I came off but pulled back on and figured out my own sequence which felt much easier. We then chilled out and headed to Grande Grotte to catch up with some of Katy’s friends, after a while I decided I was ready for a second go, this time it went down easily with everything flowing very nicely. It was good to finish on a high before having a rest day and we were both psyched to try and get rid of our stupid colds ready to hit the climbing after a day off.

Kalymnian days off are great when the sun is shining though it was still too cold to laze on the beach or go for a swim. We headed to Fatoliti’s and chilled out on the sofas on the sun with Adam Lincoln, the day seemed to race past chatting the hours away before heading for a delicious ice cream from this lovely Italian couple. A Kalymnos holiday wouldn’t be complete without getting ice cream, honey dough balls and lots of delicious seafood.

Feeling a little more rested and recovered from colds. Katy was feeling a little more refreshed and I was starting to feel a bit better too, the sun was out but still with a little breeze and all was well in the world of Kalymnos. Everyone that we knew or met was ticking off their projects and the vibe was chilled but psyched it was starting to feel like a good holiday, Katy and I were psyched to try and push it a bit more for our last 3 days before home, time was flying fast.

It was back to Odyssey for us and after a slightly better warm up I was back on Gaia whilst Katy was eyeing up the lovely 7b+ Alfredo Alfredo. My first go went well but I got another flapper this time in a more awkward place and had to tape up some more. I’m not a massive fan of using tape but desperate times call for desperate measures. Katy had a good first attempt at Alfredo Alfredo nearly making it through the crux section, a sign that the cold was departing. I had another go at Gaia coming heart wrenchingly close to doing the route, it went so smoothly and I’d done all the hard climbing hitting the pocket by the last clip I was moving up on to the last bad hold just before the chains when I came off in disbelief. I’d felt strong and was climbing well, the only thing I can think that happened was that the tape on my finger rolled when I was in the pocket as I felt like I didn’t have it well, in the back of my mind I almost changed to my front 2 fingers because of this but wanted to use my back 2 as they are usually stronger. It’s the first time I’ve been frustrated in a while thinking I was in and knowing I’d climbed well, I let out a huge scream (sorry to anyone who was at the crag) though I didn’t swear. I had one more go that day but didn’t even make it through the first crux due to it getting really hot and the footholds started to feel slippy, I knew I was just pointlessly shredding skin if I had another go.

Second flapper on Gaia, not so big but more annoying.
Second flapper on Gaia, not so big but more annoying.

Although I didn’t send my route that day it was great to see Katy cruise Alfredo Alfredo on her 2nd go and to be getting back to normal. She climbed it in great style and it was good to see her happy from success.

Like a good friend we headed back to Odyssey the next day for me to have another go at Gaia, this was the last day I was going to have a go. My skin felt terrible I was aching and the cold was still lingering but I knew I could do it. Some words of wisdom on this day were that you have to not desire what you want and I’d sort of had this approach on the route for the trip. No matter if I did it or not I was enjoying the moves on a route that didn’t suit me, I was getting high up so it was all good training out in the sun with good friends having a laugh. With the pressure off I had a first good go and got high but figured out a little subtle beta at the end of the crux moves that made a tricky move slightly easier, in my mind this changed the game and I knew the route would go next go if it remained cool enough. I had a good long rest going through the moves in my head wondering if I would do the route, I knew it was possible but my muscles were tired and my skin was sore.

I pulled on wanting to do the route after all the hard work and being so close the day before but knowing that I would be happy if I could give it my best because that’s all you can do right?

I set off through the easy moves feeling ok knowing if I could get through the first crux moves I was giving myself a fighting chance, boom I was in and onto the next crux getting a little shakeout I was through my redpoint crux again heading leftwards. One more big move to hit a small pocket and I was in, I’d taped well this time and when I hit that pocket I was determined I wasn’t coming off this time. I was so happy when I clipped the chains all that work and fighting hard on a route that didn’t suit me had paid off. I’d fought against my cold and done a hard route within the week we had picking something that I had to dig deep for. All that effort had been worth it and I felt like I was back on track.

Start of the crux on Gaia - Jacob Wrathalia
Start of the crux on Gaia – Jacob Wrathalia
The hardest move for me - Jacob Wrathalia
The hardest move for me – Jacob Wrathalia
Taing the power out - Jacob Wrathalia
Taking the power out – Jacob Wrathalia
Starting the next crux moves - Jacob Wrathalia
Starting the next crux moves – Jacob Wrathalia

This trip highlighted that all I want to do right now is go climbing, push myself and surround myself with good friends, I have to give something my all I can’t split my attention because I have to give 100%.

Katy had a quick look at Sirene (7c) after a quick soak up of the sun getting all the moves together pretty quickly. She had a couple of redpoint goes after putting the draws in and came mega close on the redpoint forgetting some foot sequences near the top after looking very cruisy. I was pretty convinced she could do it if we came back the next day.

I convinced her over the evening that we should go back so we made a plan to do a double hit on our last day heading back to Odyssey then Grande Grotte.

We warmed up then I went up Sirene to change over a couple of draws and give the crux holds a brush. Katy then got on the route cruising the first bit, I had my fingers crossed that this was the go and she absolutely cruised. It was great to watch and an amazing last day send, I was pleased to see Katy do this route in great style and to be fighting fit. We packed up and headed to Grande Grotte so I could have a go at onsighting Priapos (7c). The thing with these sort of lines is the climbing is on massive jugs but you just have to keep on trucking through wild terrain. I really enjoyed the climbing in upside down tufa land it was fun climbing, to finish off the day nicely we had a cheeky ice cream and then headed off to get the ferry back to Kos.

K Piddy post Sirene ice cream celebration.
K Piddy post Sirene ice cream celebration.
Ice cream to celebrate the end of a magical trip.
Ice cream to celebrate the end of a magical trip.

This trip with Katy was so much fun and everyone we met was lovely and psyched!

Bye Bye Kalymnos, what a beautiful view!
Bye Bye Kalymnos, what a beautiful view!

We arrived back into Stanstead at 11:30 and Katy did an amazing job of driving back to Sheffield (we got back at 4am). My head was still on Kalymnos time so at 8:30am I was wide awake! I headed in to see the amazing new clothes line from Rab and have a bit of a better catch up with Gabriel. Watch this space for some exciting news over the coming months!

Then I committed to the drive back popping into DMM to get some stuff for the BMC coaching masterclasses I am currently on the road for.

With this in mind I didn’t want to be a slouch, I went into to Brown’s to visit one of my best friends Charlie who is always psyched! My mind was geared towards going home and sleeping lots but she got me psyched for heading up the pass to Corridors of Power with a small team of Michelle, Dougie and Sorle. After a coffee I was ready to go and chill in the sunshine but on seeing the problem I couldn’t resist trying the problem. It seemed to be one of those that suits the girls better and I came close to doing it quickly but didn’t quite have the beans so will have to head back soon. Then we went to a very busy Pizza and Pint it was one of those nights where it was so good to see many familiar faces and have a good old North Wales catch up.

The next day I headed to LPT with Dougie, I knew this would be my last chance on Melancholie for a while and it was dry. On being down there we found out Oli Grounsell had made the 4th ascent of Megalopa which he was very casual about – congrats to Oli for an absolutely cracking effort! My first effort wasn’t very good and It felt like hard work as it was slightly cold. Second go I made it through the redpoint crux but was unable to feel my fingers and third go I made it to going for the jugs on Bad Bad Boy. I was gutted but pleased at the same time; I’d made two new high points and it was my 5th day on. In my head I know I can do this when fresh as this was the first time all the holds were dry, I had nothing left in the tank at the end of the hard moves but it was so good to be trying hard I loved every minute of it.

My last day in North Wales before being on the road for a while was spent at Gogarth with the legendary Dave Evans doing two classic E3’s in the sunshine by the sea with seals swimming in the water a perfect end to a brief time at home. I may need to reacquaint myself with placing gear well though and being less faffy on the rock, trad head is definitely not in full swing just yet.

Rodellar blog coming soon!

Fighting Back

Fooling around striking a pose! - John Bunney
Fooling around striking a pose! – John Bunney

Thank you for the amazing response to my last blog, getting the responses I did really touched me and I hope that everyone out there who is struggling realizes you are not on your own. Life has been a bit hectic but hopefully I will get time at some point to sit down and contact those who messaged me.

After a rocky start to the year I decided to try and get my act together and make this year count in the best possible way. I don’t do self pity for long as it’s easy to get stuck in a pit of doing nothing. My first blog was an insight into the fact that my achievements don’t come easily, this one is to give everyone out there a bit of hope that it is possible to turn those negative feelings around.

For many climbers we want that quick fix but sometimes it just doesn’t happen. Our downtime seems to be pushing ourselves physically and mentally to the limit but how often can we do that? We’re only human so there are times when we are just not going to manage. Sometimes there are other things going on in our lives that are out of our control be it relationship issues, stress at work, moving house, exams – there are so many things. We can’t always switch it on to push ourselves, whilst I’m aware of that because of the high risk when it comes to trad climbing sometimes I’m too hard on myself with sport climbing as I think I can still push myself hard. This was not the case when I headed back to Spain and I found myself getting frustrated that I could cruise 8a+ second go but lack the mental fight for 8b because my head was elsewhere. As the French say C’est La Vie! I came home early from the trip and from there my life crashed a little bit but as the weeks have gone by I feel my head clearing and the psych returning, things have got a little less complicated and it feels great.

Early on in the year I decided to get fit and strong I wanted to do myself proud at Superbloc and give myself a confidence boost. I wasn’t expecting much as my head was still all over the place after a heavy counseling session but I think this allowed me to kick back and relax. The semi finals were brick hard and to qualify for the finals I only needed to get 2 bonuses in 2 attempts; it was hot, sweaty and slopey. I didn’t particularly enjoy semi finals but I’d qualified in joint 6th for finals so it was enough. I’m not a comp bunny and I was terrified about being in the finals but after viewing the problems I knew I could do at least one of them as it was crimpy (my kind of problem) but the other 3 looked hard! I came out having a blast as I knew I could put the pressure on from an early stage; to my surprise I flashed the first problem by doing the sideways jump static, I then also flashed the 2nd problem too which was the one I knew I could do. I gave the other two my best shot and was pleased with how I’d climbed. This landed me in 3rd place to my surprise but gave me the confidence boost I needed, I knew I was in shape and climbing well.

Getting shut down on brick hard problems at Superbloc - Alex Messenger
Getting shut down on brick hard problems at Superbloc – Alex Messenger
Climbing like a trad climber in Superbloc Finals where I finished 3rd! :) - Duncan Bottrill
Climbing like a trad climber in Superbloc Finals where I finished 3rd! 🙂 – Duncan Bottrill

In between the two comps and routesetting I did two boulder problems I’ve always wanted to to do. On the Friday I did Jerry’s Roof (V9) and on the Saturday I did Rock Atrocity (V9) both of which are pretty burly. I was so stoked to do these problems thinking that I would have to step my power game up dramatically to do them but it seems setting is good training for now. More importantly I got to spend some quality time with friends in the fresh air in a stunning location which was all the therapy I needed after a tough few weeks.

A busy cave on the day I sent Rock Atrocity!
A busy cave on the day I sent Rock Atrocity!

I then got a last minute invite to do CWIF for the DMM team. It had been a busy few weeks route setting for me around the country but I was psyched to meet Guntram Jorg and see Alex Megos again and get to know them both a bit better climbing as a team at CWIF. I was happy with how I climbed on the Saturday and qualified in 4th, but the next 12 hours were stupidly busy for me. I had to drive back to Llanberis after qualifiers to do a ladies evening at Llamff (which was a success and I really enjoyed myself) then I drove back to Sheffield and got to bed at 1 a.m. Semi finals came around the next day and I was unsurprisingly knackered, I did not have fun. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry or hide away. I climbed like an idiot, had no power and it took all I had just to get up one of the problems.

Fighting hard on problem 2 of Cwif Semi Finals - Alex Messenger
Fighting hard on problem 2 of Cwif Semi Finals – Alex Messenger
Pissed off with my performance and tired this picture captures that frustration perfectly - Lena Drapella
Pissed off with my performance and tired this picture captures that frustration perfectly – Lena Drapella

I then went off to London routesetting for 4 days, it was possibly the hardest 4 days on the road I’ve had. I felt burnt out and whilst I enjoyed setting I was homesick. I desperately wanted to see my friends and have some climbing therapy. Come Friday evening I was bombing it home and psyched to get out. First go up I hit LPT for two days, I decided to have a look at Melancholie after having a quick look over 3 years ago but deciding that because you need good conditions I needed to live nearby if I wanted to do this route.

I surprised myself by almost doing the big crux move at the start straight away and then linking the higher moves together quickly. The next day I went back in less than ideal conditions again (the shakeout undercuts were still wet!) and came close to doing the route falling off the redpoint crux feeling good, unfortunately my hand pinged off a slightly damp hold so I’m hoping this route will go quickly in better conditions. My active rest day from trying this route was to have my first trad day on the Grochan in Llanberis pass with some good friends including 2 ginger brothers from different mothers. I climbed with Jonny Baker and after team slack start we smashed out 5 routes including an onsight of Cockblock at E5 6b. It was such a grand day out in the sun and I almost didn’t want to ruin it my blowing this route but in such good company I decided to give it a blast. I had all these stories of it’s fierce reputation in my head and I didn’t really trust my initial gear which led to a lot of dithering but somehow as I got more run out on the good gear my head came together. I just need a few more sessions to get back into trad flow but psyched for more days out like this as I find these days hard to beat.

Trad climbing at it's best, hard and with a spicy run out! Cockblock (E5 6b) - James McHaffie
Trad climbing at it’s best, hard and with a spicy run out! Cockblock (E5 6b) – James McHaffie
Getting more run out! - James McHaffie
Getting more run out! – James McHaffie

Another route I have decided to get my teeth stuck in to this year is Bat Route at Malham, I’ve looked at this line longingly for a few years but felt I wasn’t good enough to get on it. This year I decided it felt right to give it a go, I surprised myself by getting all the moves through the roof but the headwall was too wet to climb. I’ve just had my second session on the route and looked at the headwall which didn’t disappoint. What a line! I made some good links on my second go up and was chuffed with the quick progress making good links. I’m psyched to put some time into this route and challenge myself but not quite at the point where I’m ready to put my heart and soul into redpointing just yet.

The cove in all it's glory!
The cove in all it’s glory!

After a couple of days setting at the Boardroom before the easter weekend I had another quick hit to LPT but my shoulders felt destroyed. I had toyed with the idea of going to Malham but couldn’t face the drive after so much time being on the road working. I decided to listen to my body and mind, so I climbed when I felt like it and chilled eating ice cream and sunbathing when I didn’t. This worked out particularly well with plans not being made I had a last minute trip up the pass on Sunday with a strong Bristol team, Alex Haslehurst, Ollie Cain and two of the strong youths from North Wales (Sam and Zed). Last year I had a quick look at an amazing V10 in Llanberis Pass called the Lotus. I had figured out most of the moves but thought it would take a bit of work to do the problem with it being quite burly. Yesterday was my second session – Cailean, Alex and Ben had unlocked some new good beta but I wasn’t sure I’d be able to do it their way as it looked quite stretched out. In the end I felt like my way had a low success rate so I started giving their way a go. It went from feeling desperate to being possible, there was one move I hadn’t quite done but I decided trying it from the start would be good as I knew if I stuck this one move I could do the rest. It paid off and I was topping out my first V10 in the sunshine with a massive grin. Bouldering doesn’t normally get me psyched in the same way routes do but this one had stuck in my mind and I was psyched to get on the send train!

The Lotus - Alex Haslehurst
The Lotus – Alex Haslehurst
The Lotus - Alex Haslehurst
The Lotus – Alex Haslehurst
The Lotus - Alex Haslehurst
The Lotus – Alex Haslehurst
The Lotus - Alex Haslehurst
The Lotus – Alex Haslehurst

I’ve got trips that I’m psyched for lined up starting with a week in Kalymnos with the lovely Katy Piddock and then Rodellar in May with the strong team of Adam Hocking and Tiffany Soithongsuk! I’m going to be trying new things this year as well which I’m nervous and excited about. I’m looking forward to some fresh challenges and having exciting plans this year. I’m surrounded by amazing people, I’m in the best shape of my life and I have a new place to live. This year is going to be about following the famous Alex Lowe quote that the best climber is the one having fun. My last year of being in my 20’s is going to be fun filled, with good friends and making sure I’m happy.

I hope everyone has success in happiness this year and most importantly have fun!

Lush North Wales Sunset! Not a bad view to have.
Lush North Wales Sunset! Not a bad view to have.

This is Me………..

Before I went to Spain I had all these expectations and plans. I had my goals for what I wanted to do but none of them happened due to unforseen circumstances. I was hoping this blog would have all these amazing routes that I’d done but whilst I did some cool routes and was happy with the way I climbed sometimes this blog is about to turn out very different. I was happy to climb Ramadan and Tirabolts both 8a+ 2nd go and to Alzheimers flash Bon Viatage 8a after climbing Tirabolts which is my best climbing day in terms of doing two 8’s in a day but this isn’t really what this blog is about.

I had a hard time sitting down deciding on whether to write this or not and it makes me emotional just writing it but if it inspires just one person to achieve their goals and believe in themselves then I feel like this will have been a success. It’s scary putting myself out there in a vulnerable light knowing that people may judge me differently. This isn’t a blog seeking sympathy it is more me telling a bit of my story.

A couple of days ago my 4 year relationship ended but I don’t blame Alex, I only feel sadness that it has ended. He’s one of those infectious, strong characters who makes you smile and laugh, it’s impossible not to like him because he’s outgoing, disarming and easy to talk to. I on the other hand am completely different, I’m introverted and I don’t like big social groups but I like talking to small groups of people. I’m shy at first but once you get to know me then I’m happy chatting away.

The point of this blog is that I suffer from bad episodes of depression. It mostly affects me in social scenes because I become anxious and then I get down and usually hide away. I’m trying to learn how to control it but that is by no means an easy process, sometimes I’m left feeling helpless and exhausted. But the biggest thing that comes across is the feeling of guilt I have afterwards when I’m ok again, guilt that I’ve been that way in front of friends.       It also affects me in my climbing because as most people know success usually comes from the head as much as the physical aspect. When I don’t achieve my goals I lose my confidence and sometimes it is incredibly difficult to bounce back.  This depression strips me of all my confidence and leaves me feeling incredibly vulnerable and alone.

But I believe I am a strong person who fights it most of the time without realising, I’ve had so much success over the last year and I’ve bounced back from times when I’ve felt rough and ready to give up. Climbing keeps me going most of the time in a way nothing else ever could, I’ve had some incredibly rough times (that I don’t want to delve into) over the last few years that broke my heart and put me in a really dark place but climbing and good friends have always dragged me back out.

I guess I wanted to write this because many people will only see the success I have had but essentially it is only half of me, it doesn’t come easily and I have to work hard to fight myself sometimes and try to keep positive. No one ever sees behind the scenes they only see the outcome.  No one sees that I’ve started to have counselling, no one sees me hit rock bottom and have to start from scratch again to pick up the pieces, no one sees the days when I struggle to find motivation to get out of bed let alone do anything productive. Would I choose to be like this? The answer is definitely not. I wish I didn’t get upset and depressed, I hate how it affects loved ones. I wish I could articulate myself better in times of need instead of shutting out those people who do care, I wish I could come across as normal to everyone instead of awkward and shy. I dislike the moments of doubt in myself that push me back, it feels like I make 2 steps forward and 1 back most of the time. I’m a perfectionist, I have high standards and expectations but when I don’t reach them it does leave me feeling shattered and thinking I’m not good enough.But it does make that success so sweet when it happens and I savour those moments for as long as I possibly can before it takes hold of me again.

I’m so grateful that the climbing scene has so many wonderful people and for the close friendships it has given me particularly in recent times. One thing they have taught me over recent times is that good friends are there through thick and thin but that they also accept you for who you are and in the title of a Clint Eastwood film they will be there through the good, the bad and the ugly times.

I’m still reeling from the beginning of this year and it’s a while since I’ve been depressed for this long a period of time but I’m also ready to take on the challenges of this year and do my best to fight the demons and win the battle. Bring on 2015! 

I hope that everyone out there has a successful year in whatever challenges you face.

2015-01-13 17.01.13

Slacklining in base camp with some new friends.
Slacklining in base camp with some new friends.
Clifford Hakimi on a cool 7c at Margalef
Clifford Hakimi on a cool 7c at Margalef
Attempting Golpe de Gas 8b - one of the times my head beat me.
Attempting Golpe de Gas 8b – one of the times my head beat me.
Casa Mauri - a good place for some down time.
Casa Mauri – a good place for some down time.